in the SLPL
Unsettled by Lack of Scandalous Behavior, Starts Investigation
URGENT-SANTA LECHUGA (SLPL News)
- Santa Lechuga Power League Commissioner Rube Furrow has launched
an investigation to determine why no scandals have arisen since
the infamous Disabled List Scandal five days ago. "I thought
the whole league was going to go to pot after our DL goof,"
Furrow said. "But things seem to be running fine now. We
need to know why all hell hasn't broke loose."
Furrow has hired City of St.
Charles Police Commanders Dan Klinkhamer and Dave Jannusch --
owners of Hey, Howya' Doin' and Beat Some Ash respectively --
to look into the matter. "Now that we've solved the DL riddle,
I'm certain Dan and Dave will help us explain why this scandal
hasn't led to more scandals, more discontentment, and more improprieties."
On Tuesday, G-Stringers owner
Wayne Giesen sent a letter to Furrow with suggestions for scandal-generation.
In it, Giesen said:
- Next year, I suggest that
we recruit at least four lawyers to become team owners. This
will help ensure that our rules, our payouts, and our league
communications will get more attention than Britney Spears at
a Clearasil Users Convention. If there are problems to be found
in our bylaws, these guys will flush them out faster than a Roto-Rooter
guy on commission. You want scandal and discontentment, get the
Meanwhile, Furrow said that Klinkhamer
and Jannusch will also look into the veracity of copyright infringement
charges that are said to be looming over Fat Bastards Owner Fat
Bastard for allegedly using the Bad Manners song "You Fat
Bastard" at The White Castle before player introductions.
"These would be serious allegations, allegations I'm not
sure Fat Bastard could squeeze his way out of," Furrow said.
Bastard declined to comment for this article but it's reported
that he intends to fight any lawsuit with the full weight of
In other news, Furrow denied
rumors that SLPL Vice-President Pedregoso Ríos has been
put on double-secret probation for his role in creating the recent
DL scandal. "Look, we couldn't call it 'double-secret' probation
if I just up and told you he was on double-secret probation,
now could we?"