Nothing Happens in the SLPL

Commissioner, Unsettled by Lack of Scandalous Behavior, Starts Investigation

04/17/2002

URGENT-SANTA LECHUGA (SLPL News) - Santa Lechuga Power League Commissioner Rube Furrow has launched an investigation to determine why no scandals have arisen since the infamous Disabled List Scandal five days ago. "I thought the whole league was going to go to pot after our DL goof," Furrow said. "But things seem to be running fine now. We need to know why all hell hasn't broke loose."

Furrow has hired City of St. Charles Police Commanders Dan Klinkhamer and Dave Jannusch -- owners of Hey, Howya' Doin' and Beat Some Ash respectively -- to look into the matter. "Now that we've solved the DL riddle, I'm certain Dan and Dave will help us explain why this scandal hasn't led to more scandals, more discontentment, and more improprieties."

On Tuesday, G-Stringers owner Wayne Giesen sent a letter to Furrow with suggestions for scandal-generation. In it, Giesen said:

Next year, I suggest that we recruit at least four lawyers to become team owners. This will help ensure that our rules, our payouts, and our league communications will get more attention than Britney Spears at a Clearasil Users Convention. If there are problems to be found in our bylaws, these guys will flush them out faster than a Roto-Rooter guy on commission. You want scandal and discontentment, get the lawyers involved."

Meanwhile, Furrow said that Klinkhamer and Jannusch will also look into the veracity of copyright infringement charges that are said to be looming over Fat Bastards Owner Fat Bastard for allegedly using the Bad Manners song "You Fat Bastard" at The White Castle before player introductions. "These would be serious allegations, allegations I'm not sure Fat Bastard could squeeze his way out of," Furrow said. Bastard declined to comment for this article but it's reported that he intends to fight any lawsuit with the full weight of his resources.

In other news, Furrow denied rumors that SLPL Vice-President Pedregoso Ríos has been put on double-secret probation for his role in creating the recent DL scandal. "Look, we couldn't call it 'double-secret' probation if I just up and told you he was on double-secret probation, now could we?"

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Updated by Pedregoso Rios, Majority Owner, Pepino Monos
E-mail: pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com

Copyright ©2002 by Joe Livernois and Tony Livernois.
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