Klinkhamer, Jannusch Do Job Too Well

Investigators Hit Pay-Dirt, Uncover Scandals Galore in SLPL

04/20/2002

URGENT-SANTA LECHUGA (SLPL News) - Embezzled giveaways and secret tax deals are just a couple of the scandals uncovered in the three-day-old investigation by Dan Klinkhamer and Dave Jannusch, the investigators recently hired by Commissioner Rube Furrow to dig up some dirt on the league. "I knew these guys were good, but I didn't realize they were this good," Furrow said. "If they had chosen their rosters like they did their police work, they'd be kicking our butts in the standings."

Attending Wednesday night's game at The White Castle, Jannusch uncovered a giveaway scandal involving a Fat Bastards player. After running short of promotional items during "Easy Bake Oven Giveaway Night," the Fattest Bastard of them all, Mo Vaughn, was seen with towels concealing three Easy Bake Ovens in his locker after the game. When asked for comment, Manager Fat Bastard admitted Vaughn could not resist those gooey brownies. After Jannusch uncovered the giveaway embezzlement, Promotional Coordinator Triton Antaeus promised that all the seven-year-old girls who were shorted would be reimbursed by Vaughn personally. Vaughn has also been fined 4,000 packs of Pemmican Beef Jerky.

Meanwhile, in St. Charles Klinkhamer was busy uncovering secret plans being orchestrated by his wife, Mayor Sue Klinkhamer, to charge a city-wide 16 percent "entertainment tax" that will cripple attendance at the remaining two St. Charles stadiums. "When she first moved her team to Italy, I thought it had something to do with wanting to return to the mother country," Commander Klinkhamer said of his wife. "Turns out, she was just evading the tax she planned on charging us." The mayor is said to be trying to generate revue for the ailing city, which was hard hit when Andersen closed its Center for Professional Education located there. Investigators Klinkhamer and Jannusch both have stadiums in St. Charles, Andersen Field and The Lumber Yard.

Furrow said the investigations will continue. "Dan and Dave told me that everywhere they look, they see something more alarming," Furrow said. "They are flying to Southern California today to look into allegations that the Martin brothers (owners of the Cabbage Farmers and Las Tepats) colluded when they choose almost identical rosters. Dan and Dave are then flying to León to investigate why all those damn teams have done so well."

Furrow declined to comment when asked who's paying for the ongoing investigation.

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Updated by Pedregoso Rios, Majority Owner, Pepino Monos
E-mail: pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com

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