Jannusch Do Job Too Well
Hit Pay-Dirt, Uncover Scandals Galore in SLPL
URGENT-SANTA LECHUGA (SLPL News)
- Embezzled giveaways and secret tax deals are just a couple
of the scandals uncovered in the three-day-old investigation
by Dan Klinkhamer and Dave Jannusch, the investigators recently
hired by Commissioner Rube Furrow to dig up some dirt on the
league. "I knew these guys were good, but I didn't realize
they were this good," Furrow said. "If they had chosen
their rosters like they did their police work, they'd be kicking
our butts in the standings."
Attending Wednesday night's game
at The White Castle, Jannusch uncovered a giveaway scandal involving
a Fat Bastards player. After running short of promotional items
during "Easy Bake Oven Giveaway Night," the Fattest
Bastard of them all, Mo Vaughn, was seen with towels concealing
three Easy Bake Ovens in his locker after the game. When asked
for comment, Manager Fat Bastard admitted Vaughn could not resist
those gooey brownies. After Jannusch uncovered the giveaway embezzlement,
Promotional Coordinator Triton Antaeus promised that all the
seven-year-old girls who were shorted would be reimbursed by
Vaughn personally. Vaughn has also been fined 4,000 packs of
Pemmican Beef Jerky.
Meanwhile, in St. Charles Klinkhamer
was busy uncovering secret plans being orchestrated by his wife,
Mayor Sue Klinkhamer, to charge a city-wide 16 percent "entertainment
tax" that will cripple attendance at the remaining two St.
Charles stadiums. "When she first moved her team to Italy,
I thought it had something to do with wanting to return to the
mother country," Commander Klinkhamer said of his wife.
"Turns out, she was just evading the tax she planned on
charging us." The mayor is said to be trying to generate
revue for the ailing city, which was hard hit when Andersen closed
its Center for Professional Education located there. Investigators
Klinkhamer and Jannusch both have stadiums in St. Charles, Andersen
Field and The Lumber Yard.
Furrow said the investigations
will continue. "Dan and Dave told me that everywhere they
look, they see something more alarming," Furrow said. "They
are flying to Southern California today to look into allegations
that the Martin brothers (owners of the Cabbage Farmers and Las
Tepats) colluded when they choose almost identical rosters. Dan
and Dave are then flying to León to investigate why all
those damn teams have done so well."
Furrow declined to comment when
asked who's paying for the ongoing investigation.