March 31, 2002

SLPL Goes International!

The Santa Lechuga Power Leagues has gone international in a big way. Owners from five teams actually live in Mexico, while several other owners have located their teams to overseas locations. Joining the league from León, Mexico are:

  • Myrna Loy (Mirna Adriano), Adriano's Chaussure
  • Casi Miro (Javier Andriano), Los Huaraches
  • Patos Lucas (Lucy Juarez), Pancho's Sandalias
  • Chula Mula (Karina Granados), Puros Cuero
  • Chuy Chicle (Richard Livernois), Zapata's Zapatos

It's rumored that the León teams have named themselves to signify the fact that their city is known for its quality leather footwear.

Owners that have located teams overseas include:

  • Myrna Loy (Mirna Adriano), Adriano's Chaussure, Paris, France (Myrna has two home fields)
  • General Pinochet (Vince Livernois), Andes Warhol of Fame 2002, Chile
  • Malcolm Foley (Marcus Rochellle), Copenhagen Sound, Copenhagen, Denmark
  • Lado (Sue Klinkhamer), Dago Tastaduras, Pompeii
  • Fernando del Pollo (Marc Carig), Little Angry Brown, Manila, Philippines (Marc's got two home fields, too)
  • Donald H. Rumsfeld (B.J. Surratt), Osamahead Buzkashi, Northern Afghanistan
  • Al Quaida (Vern Fisher), Taliban Rangers, Kabul, Afghanistan

We Don't Hate Malcolm Foley

Despite the rumors that have circulated since Malcolm Foley's astounding victories in court against us this past off-season, the brass and owners want to clarify that they do not actually hate the new owner. To clarify: We despise him. If this kid wants to fashion himself as the next generation Al Davis, that's his problem. Foley is a blight on the league. He thinks that just because he can maneuver the legal system, manipulate judges, and bribe corrupt international policy-makers that he can have his way with us. So what if he won in court? So what if he secured his own column on the website? So what if he had us over a barrel? He's just a kid! And he hates horses! What kid hates horses? For more about Malcolm Foley, read his biography here.

Zapata's Zapatos Nixes Bullfights During Regular Season

Sources in the know have reported that Chuy Chicle, the owner of Zapata's Zapatos, has put the quash on allowing regular season bullfights in the newly-built Campo a Bota's Estadio de Guanajuato (aka, "Booty's Stadium") in León, Mexico. While it's reported that the Zapatos would have shared the revenue from holding bullfights while on the road, Chicle was apparently concerned that the bullfights "would tear up the field." Groundskeeper José Muñoz advised Chicle to wait until the end of the season to hold the bullfights. In a recent interview, Muñoz said "There would be a lot o blood and bull-dung all over the place ... it would be a problem to clean-up before games. Besides, if we didn't get it all, we'd have players slipping all over the place trying to catch fly balls." Chicle is now said to be considering building a Plaza de Toro on an adjoining field.

Endive Stadium Rebuilt

I'm pleased to announce that Endive Stadium, the home of the Pepino Monos Baseball Club, has been rebuilt and will be open for baseball in 2002! As you know, Endive was completely demolished last October during the ill-fated "Bobblehead Demolition." While I was hesitant to rebuild the stadium after the carnage, Rube convinced me that doing so would "send a message to all the Evil Thingys in the world that we will not be held hostage."

The new Endive Stadium is a beautiful facility. We've added 25 seats, an extra urinal in the Men's room, and an extra shelf in our souvenir shop. To honor Crispy the Endive Stadium Mascot, who died in the savage explosion, we will unveil a life-size statue of Crispy in front of Gate A at our first home game April 12th. And, to honor Monos Events Coordinator Pepe Santiago, who was responsible for organizing Bobblehead Demolition and who also died in the fireball, we will unveil a $26 million lawsuit against the surviving Santiagos for Pepe's boneheaded promotion idea.

Thanks go to those of you who expressed condolences during the bleak hours following the explosion. Special thanks go to Waste Management, who donated the landfill needed to fill the 20-foot-deep, 1.6 mile-wide crater created by the explosion. Without your support and Waste Management's landfill, the Pepino Monos would not be playing baseball this year.

©2002 Tony Livernois and Joe Livernois. All rights reserved.

More About the Rumor-Wire

Pedregoso Ríos' Biography

Return to top

Last Updated on 03/31/2002
By Pedregoso Rios, Majority Owner, Pepino Monos