SLPL Loses Roger Pallastrini, Lots to Talk About
Roger Pallastrini's disappearance from the roll of this year's league owners will undoubtedly rock Commissioner Rube Furrow's world. You see, Pallastrini was best know for the inordinate number of mentions he'd receive in Rube's e-mail updates. Pallastrini might earn a total of 30 points over a two-week period, hang out in the middle of the standings, and do nothing to distinguish himself, but Rube would still find some obscure reason to mention him in his next update. After researching the phenomenon, Pedregoso came across a little-known bylaw -- the "Mandatory Weekly SLPL Roger Pallastrini Mention" bylaw -- which states that as long as he was in the league, Roger Pallastrini would be mentioned at least once a week in any league communique. It's unclear how the SLPL bylaw came to be or what purpose it served, but it's clear that Pallastrini's absence will give the SLPL editorial board a lot less to talk about this year.
Fat Bastards Have Raucous Opening Day
Pedregoso received the following report from a Fat Bastards fan that attended Friday night's home opener at The White Castle, home of the Fat Bastards:
Fat Bastards owner Fat Bastard (Jimi Hicks) indicated that the number one concession on opening day was Beano.
Pedregoso is glad he wasn't there to hear the collective fart as everyone stood up to sing "God Bless America" during the 7th inning stretch!
Pallastrini "Just Plain Forgot"
Word is that Roger Pallastrini -- the much-mentioned SLPL owner of the Pallastrini Pounders that didn't join the SLPL this year -- "just plain forgot" to submit his roster. "Man, the deadline was like in March ...it just creeped up on me. I just plain forgot to submit my roster." No word on whether or not Pallastrini will join next year. "We'll see ... it depends on whether or not Opening Day creeps up on me again."
Osamahead Buzkashi Defined
Props to new owner Donald Rumsfeld (B.J. Surratt) for his team name, Osamahead Buzkashi. "I hear Buzkashi is the national sport of Afghanistan," Rumsfeld said. "Did you know that it's played with a goat carcass? Basically, you play keep-away with a goat carcass! I mean, geez, get a real sport!"
Rumsfeld said he'd rather the sport be played with something more fun, like say Osama bin Laden's severed head. "Yep, that's the inspiration. Let's play some Osamahead Buzkashi!"
Pedregoso has learned that the game of Buzkashi is no joke. Here's how the game is played:
Pallastrini Would Have Had a Good Team
Despite placing 13th out of 18 teams last year, those in the know say that oft-mentioned Roger Pallastrini would have had a good team this year. "I was genuinely scared of Roger Pallastrini's team," said first year SLPL champ Vince Livernois. "He's looked tough every year he's been in the league. I think would have been competitive."
Roger Enjoying Time Off
Reports are that Roger Pallastrini, the former owner that was mentioned way too often in Rube Furrow's regular e-mail updates last year, is enjoying his time off. An associate of Pallastrini's said, "Even though he wanted to be in the league, I think he's enjoying the break. He doesn't have to deal with the players' egos, which is nice, and he doesn't have to deal with the dipwad owners in the SLPL, which is a real relief."
Furrow Predicts that He'll Still Mention Roger Pallastrini
Despite the fact that Roger Pallastrini isn't in the league this year, and despite the fact that Pallastrini's only association with the league will be to visit the website after his friends tell him about this column, rumor has it that Commissioner Rube Furrow will still find space in his e-mail updates to mention Roger Pallastrini. "I just enjoy the name 'Pallastrini," Furrow said. "I like the way if flows off the lips. I like the key combination it takes to spell 'Pallastrini' on the computer. I'm bummed he didn't join the league, but I'm sure I'll find a way to mention him a few times this year."
©2002 Tony Livernois and Joe Livernois. All rights reserved.