May 23, 2002

It's time to clear out the ol' In Box and answer a few of the numerous e-mails I've received since the season began ...

Dear Pedregoso: I traded Griffey when he went on the Disabled List. Now I hear that I won't automatically get him back when he finally comes off the DL. What's the deal? ~Miffed

Dear Miffed: First allow me to ask you a question: Why the hell would you want Griffey back when he finally comes off the DL? That guy's not a bull in a China shop ... he's the China on the lower shelves with two bulls in a China shop! That guy bruises easier than an apple dropped from a plane. He breaks down more than a '85 Yugo...

But I digress.

The deal is: You absolutely can get Griffey back if you want him ... you'll just have to make another trade to get him back. (Think of it this way: If you were a real MLB team owner and you 'traded' Griffey to the Reds, then decided that you wanted him back, you'd have to make another trade. See how that works?) After spending 15-bucks to drop him like a bad smoking habit, do you really want to spend any more money to put him back on your roster?

Dear Pedregoso: What is my login for the SLPL Forum? Do I have one already? ~Wanna Contribute

Dear Contribute: You'll have to decide for yourself what your login is because, no, you don't have one already.

Dear Pedregoso: Why do 15-day DL trades cost more than 60-day DL trades? ~Just Wondering

Dear Wondering: Good question. When the SLPL braintrust [insert your own oxymoron joke here] got together to hash out the 2002 trade policies, we decided that the longer- duration Disabled List trade should cost less since we want owners with that player to remain interested in the league ... the lower cost is an incentive to owners to make trades rather than concede the league and quit paying attention. We also decided that owners willing to drop a player who's only on the shorter-duration DL is probably itching to ditch the dog anyway ... so, we decided to make owners pay more.

Dear Pedregoso: What causes flatulence? ~Stinky

Dear Stinky: I'm not sure why you're asking me this question, but it sure is a good one. The following explanation comes courtesy of Marshall Brain's How Stuff Works:

...Flatulence occurs when a food does not break down completely in the stomach and small intestine. As a result, the food makes it into the large intestine in an undigested state...
There, lactose meets up with billions of hungry bacteria -- the natural "intestinal fauna" we all have in our large intestine. These bacteria are happy to digest lactose. They produce a variety of gases, in much the way that yeast produces carbon dioxide to leaven bread. Gases such as methane, hydrogen and hydrogen sulfide are common gases that these bacteria produce. Hydrogen sulfide is the source of the odor we associate with flatulence.
Certain foods produce more flatulence than others because they contain more indigestible carbohydrates than others. Beans, as you might expect, are particularly well-endowed in this regard...

Incidentally, as majority owner of the Pepino Monos Baseball Club, I'm going to try to convince my ownership group to change the name of our club to 'Intestinal Fauna' for the 2003 season. Either that or 'Dear Stinky.'

Dear Pedregoso: It's May 17th and I just asked to trade Manny Ramirez, who went on the DL on May 12th. In your confirmation e-mail, you said that the trade wouldn't be in effect until tomorrow, May 18th. The move isn't retroactive to the day Ramirez went on the DL? ~Confounded

Dear Confounded: Unfortunately, no. From the rules:

...A DL trade is in effect one day after you notify Pedregoso Rios (by e-mail only) with a copy to Rube Furrow. DL trades are not retroactive to the date the player went on the disabled list...

Why are we doing it this way? Well, the rule is in place to ensure that people don't wait for a while after the person goes on the DL, then trade for the player that's performed the best over that waiting period. It also encourages people to pay closer attention to the players on their rosters throughout the year.Sorry about that.

Moral of the story: Keep a close eye on the sports pages and the Injuries list. If you suspect someone is going to go on the DL but hasn't officially gone on it, notify me of your intent to trade anyway ... that way, the trade will be in effect the day the person goes on the DL.

Dear Pedregoso: I've got Barry Zito on my pitching roster and I saw on ESPN that he gave up an inside-the-park home run the other day. Since the ball didn't clear the fence -- and since this IS a power league -- I'm really disappointed that I lost those five points. I swear that if I lose anything of consequence by five points or less, I'm going to file a formal complaint challenging the final payouts. ~Whiner

Dear Whiner: Lemme see if I got this right: Hitting the ball hard enough to go over the fence is power. Thowing the ball well enough to strike someone out is power. But hitting the ball hard enough so that you can run around the bases and score a run isn't power? Please.

But if you're still convinced that a pitcher that gives up the inside jobber isn't responsible for actually giving up a home run, take it up with Major League Baseball. I promise that if you can convince them that an inside-the-park home run doesn't count as a home run against the pitcher -- and do so before the end of the 2002 season so that their official season stats are reflected accordingly -- you'll be credited the five points. In the meantime, quit your whining. (For additional information about contesting the results of the SLPL, see the Rube Clause.)

P.S. I notice you have Brian Giles on your roster. Funny, I don't remember hearing you complain about the fact that he was credited with 10 points after recently hitting an inside-the-park home run. Should you succeed in convincing MLB in changing the rules concerning inside jobbers, you'll gain Zito's five points and lose Giles' 10 points. Will that be okay with you?

©2002 Tony Livernois and Joe Livernois. All rights reserved.

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By Pedregoso Rios, Majority Owner, Pepino Monos